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College
Monday, Mar. 15, 2004 @ 11:02 p.m.
I don’t know what I want. I look at my hands all day, writing, holding, pressing, shaking… they tell me nothing.
College has grown into a force that I cannot reckon with; it continually compels me to find dissatisfaction in every possible way. I enjoy learning, but I do not enjoy pressure of a degree, the continual insistence that a piece of paper foiled with seals and names will earn me a career, a home, a husband, a car, and a life I’ve told I want.
I’ve been accepted to DePaul, and now when the pressure is so strong, when now more than ever I need to make a decision… I cannot do it. Columbia University beckons to me suddenly, but the application is not to be completed at this point. I’ve no time to waffle, and I fear it is too late. I will go to DePaul, and I will spend $27,000 a year for a school I’ll probably not like.
My father will now more than ever insist that living on campus will not be such a treachery for me. He is used to seeing me slug around the house, a straight face for there is no longer a clearly defined next step.
It’s all on my shoulders, with a drained bank account, no job, and no will to go to continue the politics of college.
And I’m sick of people saying, “I understand,” and “just make a decision.” Screw your logic, for there is nothing so logical about emotion, and when all is said and done 90% of decisions are made with emotion.
The only comfort is the ringing of the best advice I’ve ever received replaying in my head. Jill said, “Don’t be afraid of your pace.”
Now is the time to decide: to screw DePaul and try Columbia? Take a semester off? Or suck it up and pray I made the right decision in DePaul?