design / host
Misguidedness
2001-07-24 @ 12:19 a.m.
"Then you should try and hide your facial expressions," he said as he coldly passed by me and slipped into another room away from my existance. I had successfully managed to anger my father once again, not that it's an unusual occurance these days. It seems that no matter where I go, what I do- this includes talking on the phone, watching TV, sitting on the porch- I manage to shoot my mouth off or give a look which results in a never ending battle between parent and child. I am positively dripping with guilt, for I can never come to terms with the relationship my father and I have. Half of me is grateful for everything he's done, the other wants to scream at him for not understanding, REALLY understanding, me. It's a never ending battle.
I've been raised on male standards and concepts since I was eight. When I was younger, I wanted to be a boy so I could do the things my brother's did. So I could fit in more easily with the people I was living with. I'm trying to break out of those male concepts that I've seen everyday of my life and actually come to terms with "womanhood". I have never been "mommyed", I've never had a female role model to look up to, I was never "taught" how to be "female". Instinct is only so much. I'll never forget when a friend came over, spent the night and needed some product that my household didn't have and when I told her that she said "Are you kidding? Every female has that." It was like a slap in the face and though she didn't say it to be cruel, it certainly felt cruel.
So now, I've actually built a relationship with the mother I've lacked for years- building a role model for myself. It's a hard process. I haven't forgotten the pain she caused our family, or the way she just left. I haven't directly forgiven her either and I'm not sure that I'll ever be able to, but I'm seeing that I'm a lot like her. The fact that I'm realizing that I've needed a mother is a thorn in my father's side. Blaming him for that is something I can't do because I understand why he feels that way- all these years he's had to be two parents, sacraficing and unfathomable (is that a word?) amount of time, youth and energy, on three children alone, all by himself. However, to say that his lack of understanding of my need for a mother, a need for a solid relationship with MY mother, is frustrating.
So we fight. Sometimes about things that are important. But mostly about everything that doesn't matter and will never be important. I don't need any life lessons, I've had enough. He doesn't need any of my comments, he's had enough. Still, I can almost be 99.5% sure that when tomorrow comes, he and will have another falling out, and he'll coldly walk away, and I'll shrug my shoulders and fester, and the next day will come, bringing with it another falling out. That's the way the cycle goes.