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Life is not full of "supposed to"s
2001-08-16 @ 10:58 p.m.
I heard John Lenon's "Imagine" in the car as I was on my way home from my grandpa's this evening. I'd heard the song countless times, knew the greatness of it, knew the meaning but actually never really sat and listened to the lyrics. I thought "how appropriate" as the song poured out from my car speakers- a song like this, at a time when all that's around me in change and I'm wondering how I'm handling it all, wondering about the many things on my mind. So then, with the guidence of Mr. Lenon, it occurs to me: "just live". Life isn't one big "supposed to" and that's what I've been so caught up in. The lyric that really grabbed at me reads and is heard as "Imagine there's no country" and I'm lost and enthralled in the brilliance of it. To explain myself and that lyric would be tacky and obnoxious however, it's helped my perspective grow and change a little bit- hopefully I'll what to do with that later on.
My grandma is a sweetheart. She's an example of angels on earth- so unassuming and understanding. I've gotten completely inspired by her stories of Italy, of her childhood, her adolescence, and her experience with life. She's handled her life with such grace and knowledge and I wonder what it's like for her to remember. According to her, she still feels the age of twenty- she told me that being old doesn't mean feeling old and it's hard to come to terms with sometimes. When a visit from my brother and I is expected, she always buys a treat, most of the time Reeses or Krispy Kreme and it's so cute. When I was young she used to always worry about having a movie to watch when she baby-sat. And she laughs all the time and smiles even more. She's a reassurance when nothing makes sense and a light in a bad day.
I talked to Kate a little while ago and the move apparently went really well. I was happy to talk to her- she'd mentioned she'd been crying a little bit today. I know I'd be too. Her move to college is what prompted me to reflect on my surroundings. I've always tried to look at the things around me from an outside point of view. Maybe then reality will set in and certain aspects will become a bit more clear. I'm always afraid of missing something- I'm not even sure why. I've always had a problem going straight at things. At any rate, I'm happy that she made it there safely and she's in the beginning of settling in. Last night I had finished my room and I started crying as I was trying to sleep because my room didn't feel like me anymore. I can only imagine what it's like for Kate- but just as time goes on, so will her comfort level. In fact, it won't even take too long, I'm willing to bet. Emotional attatchment, in terms of concrete things (not people), lives for a long time, but dies quickly. At least in my experiences. I love you, Kate!