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College
Monday, Mar. 15, 2004 @ 11:02 p.m.
I don�t know what I want. I look at my hands all day, writing, holding, pressing, shaking� they tell me nothing.
College has grown into a force that I cannot reckon with; it continually compels me to find dissatisfaction in every possible way. I enjoy learning, but I do not enjoy pressure of a degree, the continual insistence that a piece of paper foiled with seals and names will earn me a career, a home, a husband, a car, and a life I�ve told I want.
I�ve been accepted to DePaul, and now when the pressure is so strong, when now more than ever I need to make a decision� I cannot do it. Columbia University beckons to me suddenly, but the application is not to be completed at this point. I�ve no time to waffle, and I fear it is too late. I will go to DePaul, and I will spend $27,000 a year for a school I�ll probably not like.
My father will now more than ever insist that living on campus will not be such a treachery for me. He is used to seeing me slug around the house, a straight face for there is no longer a clearly defined next step.
It�s all on my shoulders, with a drained bank account, no job, and no will to go to continue the politics of college.
And I�m sick of people saying, �I understand,� and �just make a decision.� Screw your logic, for there is nothing so logical about emotion, and when all is said and done 90% of decisions are made with emotion.
The only comfort is the ringing of the best advice I�ve ever received replaying in my head. Jill said, �Don�t be afraid of your pace.�
Now is the time to decide: to screw DePaul and try Columbia? Take a semester off? Or suck it up and pray I made the right decision in DePaul?